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What Are Your Parenting Responsibilities?

What Are Your Parenting Responsibilities?
What Are Your Parenting Responsibilities?

Although it can be frustrating at times, there’s no one “right way” to be a parent. Even if you’re receiving parenting advice left and right — whether it’s from your friends, family, other parents, or the media — you may not know to whom to listen. Unfortunately, this can even lead parents to compare themselves to others and doubt their own parenting capabilities. However, the resulting feelings of guilt aren’t going to make it any easier to be a good parent.

The next time you’re feeling overwhelmed by the conflicting feedback, it’s important to sit back and remind yourself of what are and aren’t your responsibilities are as a parent. There’s a solid chance that you’re doing far better as a parent than you’ve been letting yourself believe.

What Parents Aren’t Responsible For

As your child’s parent, not everything is in your control — and that’s okay. Here are a few things that you aren’t responsible for, purely because you’re a parent.

Controlling Everything Your Child Says or Does

Always remember that your child is their own person, and they’re not a puppet you’re responsible for controlling. Especially if it’s taking place when they’re not under your supervision, there’s no way you can control all of your child’s behaviors. At the end of the day, your child’s free will is going to determine what they do and don’t do.

For example, you can’t force a child to do their homework when they adamantly refuse. Although you can try as hard as you can to motivate them, you can’t make your child do work against their will.

However, you can provide reasonable consequences for your child’s poor grades. You can stay in touch with their teachers. You can even set aside daily study time and monitor your child’s homework process. But ultimately, you can’t control their actions.

Earning Other People’s Approval

You shouldn’t always look to other parents or adults to approve of your parenting choices. While other adults can offer valuable advice, you don’t need to let every piece of unsolicited feedback weigh down on you. It’s crucial that you avoid treating parenting like a popularity contest. Besides, there’s no such thing as the “best” parent in your community. Everyone has a unique style and approach to parenting, and everyone’s children have unique needs.

What Parents Are Responsible For

Of course, there are also aspects of your parenting that are within your control. Here are a few examples.

Helping Your Child Independently Function

As a parent, you should be teaching your child age-appropriate skills that they can use to function independently. Over time, you should be helping your child to become more and more independent.

Early on in life, this could include skills like tying their shoelaces, writing their own name, emotionally soothing themselves, and learning to cope with teasing. Later, your child will need to develop independent skills such as driving, filling out a job application, and so on. Your child’s level of responsibility will increase as they age, and this should be reflected in your approach to parenting.

Doing Your Best

All in all, there’s only so much that is within a parent’s control — even when it feels like you need to manage everything about your child and how they’re developing.

There’s an inherent balancing act involved in being a parent. You need to split the difference between doing too little and doing too much for your child. It’s also important to find the balance between giving your child too many repercussions for poor behavior and not enough consequences.

Every Child and Family Situation is Unique

Don’t forget that you know your child better than any of the other parents offering you advice. Every child is unique, and your parenting style should adapt to best suit their needs. As the expert on your own kid, it’s up to you to make decisions that best allow them to become accountable and independent. All you can do is your best, so try not to beat yourself up too hard. Any parent has room to develop and grow, but chances are, you’re doing great.

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9 Life Skills You Should Teach Your Kids

9 Life Skills You Should Teach Your Kids
Basic cooking is an easy life skill to teach Kids

As a parent, one of your top priorities is to provide your child with all the life skills they’ll need, so they can navigate their adult lives, even after they’re no longer under your care. 

On one hand, this seems like a relatively straightforward task. However, on the other hand, it can be one of the most overwhelming duties that a parent will face. First, it can be difficult to determine what “life skills” even are. What skills are going to be the most vital to your child in the future? What should you be focusing on, exactly, as you help your child to build these fundamental skills? 

Although the number of potential “life skills” is substantial, and they can vary from child to child, there are some skills that everyone can benefit from mastering. Here are nine of those key skills that are important to teach to just about any kid.

9 Important Life Skills to Teach Children (By Age)

Skills to Teach Preschoolers

Some of the skills you’ll focus on with preschoolers will be performed independently, however, others will require help or supervision from an adult. As your child grows up, they will be able to continue refining these skills, until they can confidently perform them on their own.

1. Cleaning Up

Allow your child to begin cleaning up after themselves, in certain situations. For instance, you can ask your kid to put away and organize their toys after they’re done playing. 

2. Choosing Clothes or Outfits

Make sure your child understands how to dress appropriately, given the event or weather. You can even allow them to set out their own outfits each night, to wear to school the next day.

3. Setting the Table

By helping your child to set the table, you’re giving them a great chance to practice numbers, counting, and even symmetry. It’s also an opportunity for your child to develop their procedural and spatial memorization abilities. 

Skills to Teach Young Kids, Age Five to Seven

At this age, try to take a step back and allow your child to problem-solve, whenever possible. It can be tempting to step in and lend a hand, but five to seven-year-olds can benefit from learning and practicing some tasks independently. Plus, kids around this age are always eager to perform “grown-up” tasks, and this will show in their willingness to learn and develop skills.

4. Simple Cleaning Duties

Although they’re not ready to clean the whole house top to bottom, you can begin introducing your child to some basic cleaning tasks. For instance, teach them how to wipe down the sink, or how to sort the trash from the recycling.

5. Basic Cooking Skills

You’ll probably need to supervise some, but try involving your child in food preparation. Find ways to allow your kid to take part in preparing their own meals, or help out with family mealtime, whenever possible. 

Skills to Teach Older Kids

Finally, here are some more independent or complicated skills, which you can help older children and tweens to develop.

6. Loading the Dishwasher

Kids at this age can help with both loading dirty dishes in the dishwasher, as well as unloading clean ones, and putting dishes away. Help children understand where the dishes belong once clean, and how to load the dirty ones for maximum effectiveness.

7. Gardening

Keeping a garden isn’t just a fun hobby — it can teach responsibility and can even provide fresh food! Teaching your children a love of gardening and some basic plant care tips can be an extremely important lifelong skill. 

8. Money Management

Budgeting and money management skills are absolutely necessary later on in life, and many people grow up without a basic knowledge of simple household finances. Start young and add in age-appropriate money basics so that your children are able to successfully budget and manage their own finances in adulthood.

9. Personal Hygiene

Sometimes, hygiene can seem so basic, you may not even think to teach your children some of these skills. However, it’s important to help your children understand these basics so they can keep themselves clean and better promote personal health. 

Of course, as your child grows up, you’ll find endless opportunities to teach them a variety of life skills (more ideas here). This is really one of the most exciting and rewarding aspects of being a parent.

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How to Teach Empathy to Your Child

How to teach empathy to your childFor parents diligently helping their children in their overall development, empathy can easily go overlooked. In part, this may be because the concept is not something that is easily explained in words—especially for younger children. To help, we’ve found that the best ways to teach an abstract concept like empathy to your child tend to be organic—including leading by example and explaining how your actions affect other people in your life.

What is Empathy?

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Essentially, it means to put yourself in their shoes and look at something from their perspective.

How to Teach Empathy?

We may try to use our actions to set an example but how can you teach empathy? Start by focusing on helping your child build a sense of self and stay mindful of their actions. A good way to teach empathy is when a random stranger does something out of anger towards you (cuts you off on the freeway, says something mean to you, etc.), don’t react in anger. Instead, think to yourself and out loud to your child, “why is this person acting this way? Maybe they just lost their job? Maybe they are sick or just found out someone else they care about is sick?” You will never know why. But if you and your child look at it from that perspective, you will start to think more empathetically.

Build a Healthy Sense of Self

It may seem counterintuitive, but your child must establish confidence in themselves to have empathy for others. This does not mean that you should assure them that they are the best at everything they do or try to set them above their peers. Instead, establishing confidence is about recognizing who you are and how you affect the world around you. As your child’s inner self becomes clearer and clearer, it is easier for them to relate to others empathically and have a positive effect on the other individuals in their life.

Once a child has developed a decent sense of self, you can teach empathy by helping your child recognize that they are a part of a larger community filled with others with their own unique personalities. Most importantly, their actions impact others. Most children respond well to the idea of being part of a community.  They need a lot from people around them while they are young and developing. With these two realizations, your child can relate to and help others from their own empathic center.

Avoid Egocentric Childhood

When we are young—and before we have developed a sense of community—the world revolves around us. With a realistic sense of self, most people begin realizing that this is not the case. However, as we know, some adults hold onto the belief that the world revolves around them. Their chief concern is how each event affects them personally. In all likelihood, these adults experienced an egocentric childhood. Children whose parents enable an egocentric childhood don’t have the opportunity to realize that all individuals have their own experiences, which are just as complicated, detailed, and emotionally charged as their own lives.

Childhood is truly the best time to encourage awareness of the ego and help develop a healthy balance between handling self-needs and the needs of others. With help, children can begin understanding their friends, family, and peers. You can help your child realize that their own needs are part of the bigger picture. Teach empathy by telling them stories about other people who act selflessly. Be a good example yourself. Ask why your child feels like they want, need, or deserve something. Be transparent as you consider how your actions will affect others. Share your reasoning for making empathetic decisions.

Show Them What Empathy Means Yourself

Be honest in your approach to the conversation. By being calm and avoiding appearing dominating or ego-driven, you can gain insight into your child’s thought processes. You may even learn something about yourself along the way. Teaching empathy requires you to be open and calm in your responses to conversations and conflicts with your child. In the end, with your example at hand, your child can begin to make wise decisions that avoid conflict and consider the feelings of others.

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3 of the Best Parenting Books

3 of the best parenting books
Connection with nature benefits the human mind

Parenting is the adventure of a lifetime—and not just your own. As such, the emotions that come with parenting can be incredibly intense on both ends of the spectrum. Whether it be meltdowns, disagreements, or anything else leading to conflict with another parent or your child, there are strategic and well-researched ways to approach the situation to benefit all involved. While there are many outside resources available to you, including pediatricians, schools, therapists, and more, the idea is to be able to manage most of the situations that come up as you raise your child on your own. That’s where parenting books come to your rescue.

Fortunately, you can still take advantage of expert advice along the way. To help, there are innumerable parenting books you can refer to throughout your journey as a parent. Through the world of books, we can draw on the experiences of others and use them to pursue more positive interactions with our children. Here are three of our favorites.

Parenting Without Power Struggles – Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm, and Connected by Susan Stiffelman

Our own egos can get in the way of developing a full understanding of our children’s struggles. Worse, ego can prevent us from viewing the situation from the child’s position and seeing both sides of the conversation. This parenting book by therapist Susan Stiffelman provides a “how-to” approach to common conflicts between parents and their children. It provides well-developed, ego-free techniques to arrive at mutual solutions with your kids.

Whether your issues involve common child-parent struggles like homework, screen time, or building motivation for school, or something more unique to your family, this book provides valuable insight. We’re confident these are tools that can be used. It will help improve your approach to parenting and help you in building confidence.

Teaching Kids to Think – Raising Confident Independent and Thoughtful Children in an Age of Instant Gratification by Darlene Sweetland and Ron Stolberg

The first step to helping your children develop into functional, independent adults is embracing your own confidence. This parenting book by Darlene Sweetland and Ron Stolberg provides anecdotes and solid techniques. It approaches various components of your relationship with your children. Better yet, it supplies advice suitable for living in the age of data, technology, and social media.

The authors note that these days, children have adapted to technological advancements. They may no longer feel the need to learn simple skills. As a result, the writers feel that parents need structured insight into the social, emotional, and mental obstacles unique to today’s kids. This text is a must-read for parents. It will also help childcare workers and educators alike. It will help you understand how to raise children who are not entitled, but compassionate and confident themselves.

Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children from Nature-Deficit Disorder by Richard Louv

As the age of information and technology continues, parents are faced with increased reasons to avoid the world at large. However, the world beyond the walls of your home has not changed much. Instead, fear has shifted our perspective to view natural and public places in a poor light. However, it is more critical now than ever for children to share a connection with the natural world.

This parenting book by Richard Louv shares respected research and psychology reports that prove how a deep connection with nature benefits the human mind. Read how nature can be the bearer of powerful therapeutic experiences that originate within your child. With this book, you can learn how time outdoors soothes the mind and relieves the stresses of individuals of all ages. Allowing children to use the natural world in this manner is critical for developing a positive parent-child relationship.

While parenting books are no substitute for professional advice aimed at your unique situation, they can help you begin managing the more challenging aspects of parenting on your own. We hope that one of these favorites can help you begin developing more positive parenting techniques and find a way to use them within your household.

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7 Ideas to Help You Be a Good Parent

Part 2.

Be a Good Parent - Make Time for them
Make time to play with your kids

Every parent will eventually wonder whether they are doing right by their children or whether their parenting style is functional. If you are wondering how to be a good parent, the fact that you are concerned about this is a sign that you already are. However, it’s good for you to know a few key strategies that will ultimately help your children grow into productive, responsible adults.

Stay Involved

Don’t be a passive parent. Many parents are in the dark when it comes to what their children are learning or doing. This conveys to your child that you’re disinterested in them. You should be involved in your children’s lives without becoming overbearing.

Refrain From Yelling

You will eventually become frustrated with your children’s behavior at some point and must discipline them. But yelling doesn’t do anything helpful when it comes to correcting bad behavior. Yelling is negative reinforcement. This eventually creates the impression that your child must follow the rules out of fear of punishment instead of simply doing the right thing. You should always strive to coolly explain why your child’s behavior was unacceptable and what they need to do to change it.

Explain Your Reasoning

Children do not have the same grasp of the world and social dynamics as adults. It’s easy for you to make decisions without explaining your reasons to your children.  But this creates confusion, mistrust, and low self-confidence. While you may not need to explain all of your reasons for specific actions to your children, making an effort to share why you made a decision can make a big difference in their response.

Listen to Your Children

You can feel overwhelmed by your responsibilities sometimes. This does not mean it is ever acceptable to ignore your children or disregard their feelings. A clear sign of a good parent is one who takes their children’s concerns seriously. You provide them a supportive safe place that they can learn about the world with more confidence. When your child has a question, even a seemingly simple one, provide them with a clear and detailed answer. It’s also a good idea to try and turn the exchange into a deeper conversation that allows you to learn more about your child and their interpretation of the world.

Be a Positive Role Model

Your most important job when it comes to being a good parent is to be an example for your children. Good parents show by example the behaviors and attitudes that they want their children to cultivate and express as they grow. Any time you expect your child to behave a certain way, you must demonstrate that behavior as well. “Do as I say, not as I do” is not a viable parenting strategy. It does nothing to cultivate trust and respect between parents and children.

Make Time for Your Kids

Sometimes it can be hard to make time for fun with your kids. Family life shouldn’t always be about homework, chores, work, sports and, everyone doing their own thing. If you have to schedule playtime, then do it. Create a “special” night or time each day to just have fun.

Benefits of a Constructive Parenting Philosophy

Being a “good” parent will mean different things to different people. Ultimately, being a good parent means being able to encourage your child to grow into a respectful, responsible, and productive member of society. This will help them become independent and creative. There is no one solid parenting strategy that will work for every child in every family. But these tips can help you refine your current strategy and develop stronger relationships with your children.

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or call us at 520-230-3833

What Are the Signs of Bad Parenting?

parent ignoring child
Mom ignoring child

Part 1

Many parents struggle to reconcile their parenting styles with what society deems “acceptable.” There are countless possible strategies you can use to ensure your children grow up as healthy, responsible, and productive members of society. Unfortunately, some people make bad parenting mistakes that result in their children cultivating low self-esteem, poor self-image, and even trauma in extreme cases.

Some parents may engage in problematic or even outright abusive behaviors knowingly. Others make crucial mistakes when attempting to parent in good faith. There are several common mistakes that all families should avoid, and practical, reasonable, and effective alternatives exist for each of them.

Public Discipline

Discipline is essential for every growing child, but it is up to you to determine the appropriate method, time, and place to administer discipline. One of the worst mistakes you can make is humiliating your child in public. Some people believe that their children need to “learn the hard way.” Some believe that public displays of discipline somehow encourage conformity and obedience. But the reality is that public disciplining of your child only cultivates resentment and distrust. This behavior can also lead to your child experiencing ridicule and bullying from their peers if you publicly discipline them at school or another location in front of other children.

Excessive Reprimands

Every parent will need to reprimand their child at some point. You should know when enough is enough though. Excessively reprimanding a child does not reinforce the original point of the reprimand. Once the point is made and they recognize their error, it is time to move on. Continuing to harp on your child will simply erode their confidence and trust in you. Ultimately, your child will begin to fear you rather than respect you.

Withholding Affection and Approval

Children need your emotional support, even when they make mistakes. When you refuse to hug them or constantly remind them of a recent discipline issue, this does not encourage your child to improve their behavior. Instead, this dynamic will teach them that your love is conditional.

Little to No Encouragement

Parents have the important responsibility of supporting their children and fostering confidence and security. When you fail to provide the encouragement that your child desperately needs, this will only reinforce their belief that they are on their own and that they cannot count on you to support them.

Ignoring a Child’s Questions

It’s no secret that children, especially younger children, are full of questions. You may grow frustrated and ignore these questions. This ultimately leads to your children thinking they can’t rely on you for the answers they need to make sense of the world. Parents must understand that while these questions can sometimes be frustrating, repetitive, or even nonsensical, it’s your job to help them interpret and understand the world. When you ignore your child’s questions, or worse, ridicule them for even asking, this reinforces their belief that they cannot trust their parents to guide them through the world.

Potential Outcomes of Bad Parenting

Countless children have risen above hard family circumstances in their childhood years and achieved tremendous success. However, many other children do not. Bad parenting can squash a child’s ability to make sense of the world. It can also erode their trust in authority and cultivate antisocial tendencies. It may even reduce a child’s ability to become self-sufficient later in life.

Parenting can be difficult and frustrating. You must realize that the experience can change you just as much as your children. Stay positive! Reinforce your children’s independence. Help them navigate the world with confidence. That should be every parent’s priority when it comes to raising your kids.

 

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or call us at 520-230-3833

How to Talk to Your Kids – 5 Questions to Ask

How to Talk to Your Kids - 5 Questions to Ask
How to Talk to Your Kids – 5 Questions to Ask

Do you find it hard to know how to talk to your kids about their school day? The simple question “How was your day” is typically too open-ended to get constructive answers out of a student. Younger children may have trouble explaining the day’s events. Older children may simply want to spend time with their friends and hobbies rather than talking about school. Instead of asking this question, you should consider asking your kid’s more engaging and thought-provoking questions about their day at school. Consider these examples to get the most out of your kid’s time.

“Tell Me About What You Read Today in Class”

Reading comprises a portion of almost every student’s day. Asking a specific question about your child’s day not only shows them you are genuinely interested in what they are learning but it also encourages them to think back to the material covered during the day, potentially boosting retention.

“What Was the Funniest Thing That Happened Today?”

The social aspect of a school is an important part of your child’s education. Every day, your kid builds relationships that could become lifelong friendships. Asking them about something funny that happened at school allows them to fondly reflect on their day. This will give you insight into their developing sense of humor along with their thoughts about their friends and teachers, and the things they enjoy most about school.

“Who Did You Sit With at Lunch?”

Lunchtime is a chance to rest and refuel during a school day. It is generally a good time for your child to socialize. Asking your kids about their lunch pals is a good way to learn more about the type of social connections they are making.

“What Did You Do During Recess Today?”

While this question will only really apply to younger kids, asking about recess time is a good way to start an engaging conversation about your child’s school day. Many younger kids consider recess the best part of a typical school day. For them to think about recess can lead to other thoughts about their day. It’s also a good way to keep track of your child’s daily physical activity levels.

“What’s the Biggest Difference Between This Year and Last Year?”

This may not make much sense to ask your child every day. Therefore asking this question every few weeks or months might work better. It is a good way to keep tabs on your child’s view of their education. This question could lead to a conversation about what your child likes and dislikes about the current school year. Or maybe they will talk about the subjects they find the most stressful. 

When you simply ask your students how their day was, expect a vague answer to a vague question.

These are just a few examples of more thought-provoking and specific questions you can ask that can help provide you valuable insights into your child’s school day. Click here for more information on how to talk to your kids.

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Understanding Your Child’s Personality and Love Languages

Part 2

Love languagesIn Part 1, we identified the four main personality types, discussed how to determine your child’s type, and considered how this may impact your parenting. In Part 2, we’ll delve deeper into your child’s love languages. Love languages describe how a person gives and receives love. Your child may be speaking any one of five love languages. Knowing how to communicate the type of love your child responds to can bring you and your child closer.

The Five Languages of Love

The first step in discovering your child’s love language is learning what the five main languages are. They range from kids who need physical touch to those who respond better to gifts. Identifying your children’s love languages can lead to major breakthroughs in why they aren’t doing well in school, struggle with self-expression, or resist ways you’ve tried to reward them in the past. Here’s a breakdown of the five love languages:

  1. Physical touch. Hugs, kisses, pats on the back, and stroking the hair tell these kids that you love and appreciate them more than words can.
  2. Words of affirmation. Kids with this love language want to hear through words of affection and praise that you love and care about them, rather than receive a hug or pat.
  3. Quality time. This love language requires giving undivided attention to your child. Spending quality time with these kids is important for emotional development.
  4. Gifts. Some children respond best to love and praise in the form of gifts or rewards. They see gifts as an extension of your love.
  5. Acts of service. Emotional love in the form of services may manifest in your child asking for your help with homework or asking you to fix a bicycle.

Most children exhibit signs of enjoying more than one love language. Find the one that speaks loudest for your child to help tailor your parenting strategy. If you aren’t sure which one sounds the most like your child, take a quiz (have your child do it, if possible) to find out. Once you’ve identified your child’s primary love language, you can take steps toward improving how you communicate.

Using Love Languages to Become a Better Parent

Oftentimes, your love language may be different from your child’s. This can create tension, discord, and miscommunication if you don’t understand the problem. Speaking the wrong language could cause children to feel unheard, or worse – unloved. Knowing your children’s love languages is the first step toward improving understanding and communication. Use the love language your children respond to best to tell them you love them, you’re there for them, they’re doing great, and you need them.

Express your child’s love language often. Build your child up in a way that works for him or her, even if it’s different from your love language or a sibling’s. Individualizing how you give affection and praise can make all the difference in how well your child receives your love.

 

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